When I tried to quit caffeine
September was a hard month, US AI vs China AI, and The Rehearsal
Last month I tried the Month to Monk challenge, my customized version of a dopamine fast. While I expected some parts to be harder than others, giving up caffeine this time gave me pain.
And I didn’t even completely quit. I allowed myself one cup of green or chai tea every morning (which amounted to 30 mg of caffeine). But this amount was clearly not enough to transition my system. In the first week I felt noticeably tired but with the upside of sleeping 8 to 9+ hours a night. But by week two, the tiredness had transformed into a lack of motivation, a state of apathy, and an extended period of brain fog. Every act of writing, work, or productivity felt entirely too cumbersome to finish.
I even tried going to the gym in the afternoons to rejuvenate my energy and senses. One day on my walk over, I saw a few homeless people slumped against the wall, legs splayed out, staring out at nothing with a glazed look over their heads. And for a moment, I finally recognized the look and feeling: we were both in a state of withdrawal.
I’m pretty sure fentanyl withdrawal is worse, but that didn’t help me understand why caffeine withdrawal was so difficult. Alcohol, weed, social media, even nicotine: all gone without a fight, out of sight and out of mind. But low caffeine had reduced me to someone who couldn’t recognize himself. I was expecting myself to have a more regulated day with natural energy levels. Instead, I had inadvertently destroyed the first push that got the flywheel of work spinning.
So in my search for answers, I stumbled upon Michael Pollan’s book “This is Your Mind on Plants” where he explores how humans have historically used plant based substances like opium, mescaline, and caffeine. And while for the first two, Pollan’s journalistic endeavors had him experimenting with the drugs: for caffeine he instead had to abstain from it for three months to understand it’s integral nature in his life. And he like myself figured it out fast:
By the end of the week, I had gotten to the point where I didn’t think I could fairly blame caffeine withdrawal for my mental state (and disappointing output), and yet in this new normal the world seemed duller to me. I seemed duller, too.
Mornings were the worst. I came to see how integral caffeine is to the daily work of knitting ourselves back together after the fraying of consciousness during sleep. That re-consolidation of self—the daily sharpening of the mental pencil—took much longer than usual and never quite felt complete.
I began to think of caffeine as an essential ingredient for the construction of an ego. Mine was now deficient in that nutrient, which perhaps explains why the whole idea of writing this piece—indeed, of ever writing anything ever again—had come to seem insurmountable.
What makes caffeine clearly different from every other drug has been our celebration of our addiction to it. With 90% of the world’s adult population consuming caffeine daily, it stands alone as acceptable addiction, Roland Griffith’s describes this as: ‘there is nothing inherently wrong with an addiction if you have a secure supply, no known health risk, and you’re not offended by the idea.’
True addiction involves compulsion and loss of control, continued use despite negative consequences, withdrawal symptoms when stopped, tolerance and needing more, and it dominating your life and decision-making. Caffeine, funnily enough, checks every box. But unlike alcohol with its health risks, nicotine with its stigma, or weed with its legal barriers, caffeine gets a complete pass.
As I learned from Pollan’s book, we’ve built a society that requires caffeine. When introduced in London, both tea and coffee revolutionized and expanded the labor population to women and children while kickstarting the modern Industrial Revolution. And entire new schedules for work available in afternoons and night shifts with caffeine exploded our human productivity.
And while I can celebrate the technological progress due to caffeine, I couldn’t help but feel bad for now being acceptably addicted myself. Up until a couple of years ago, I had never really needed caffeine to function. It was always a luxury when on vacation or when I had a particularly busy day in front of me. I started to question if my work had become so boring that I needed caffeine to stitch together my day or if my true self was one that involved lying flat on a couch while scrolling Youtube.
What I ended up realizing was that my dependence on caffeine and my addiction was a symptom of my change as a human being.
When I was in college, I never considered drinking coffee more than once a month. But at the same time I was clearly addicted to social media, found myself smoking or vaping weed whenever I was bored, and partying with friends every weekend. My life, habits, and what I do for fun has considerably changed. And one of the more drastic changes is how a daily routine and a meaningful career have impacted my life.
It’s not to say that I’m sure with another month I could 100% function and work again without caffeine. But I think that there is a simpler explanation for how I now moralize my addiction. Work for me is about having fun and caffeine makes work even more fun. Caffeine is the function of how my days get started and end. And I think I can be okay with that.
For now.
Things to Share
From Selective Amnesia, Rajesh Achanta goes over the core differences in how the US vs China is tackling AI innovation. While the US optimizes for consumer engagement, China is using AI to optimize their supply chains and route electrons and materials more efficiently. It’s no wonder China looks like the future once you look up from your iPhone.
I finished season 2 of The Rehearsal earlier this year and Gideon Lewis-Kraus from The New Yorker does a great job reviewing the step change Nathan Fielder made in producing outlandish entertainment. He’s the entertainment version of a startup founder you naturally root for as he applies ever larger amounts of capital (he apparently got a blank check from HBO) to weave through self-growth, behavioral psychology, and learning how to fly a 737, while documenting it the whole time.